


Won't do it without you

by Molliartytho



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: ANGSTY ANGST ANGST, Almost death, Bucky Barnes is a precious baby, Fighting, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Trigger Warnings, and death, but after the sad and almost deaths, but fluff at the end, lots of kissing at the end though, steve rogers is an idiot, with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 08:33:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6322360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molliartytho/pseuds/Molliartytho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve had a plan. He was the man with a plan. But....Bucky dying was never part of that plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Won't do it without you

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned there are mentions of suicidal thoughts and almost actions so turn away now if that's not a thing that you can handle.

As Steve looked around at the small broken town, the rubble lying in the streets and the devastation that remained from where he and his former teammates had been fighting, he took a moment to wonder how it had all come to this.

He knew the answer of course. What was the one thing that always made him fight harder than anything else? Bucky Barnes. He didn’t need anyone to tell him what had happened because he knew.

Bucky was in trouble. They wanted to take him and Steve wasn’t going to let that happen. He would die before he let them, _anyone_ , take Bucky.

His face was swollen from where Tony had already punched him repeatedly, but he could feel it starting to heal already. He could see and still fight and that’s all that was important. Sure his whole body ached and he knew he had some more serious injuries that needed to be looked at but there was no time. He could rest when he was dead.

Steve felt like his lungs were on fire, like he was having an asthma attack, but he couldn’t and he knew that he was just fighting to his absolute capacity.

His team was scattered across the battlefield. There were two people out of commission already and he didn’t have the strength to go look for them and make sure they were both alright at the moment.

All he could think about was back in the day when they were in the war. When Bucky fought beside him every step of the way. When Bucky was his and he was Bucky’s and they were in love and together. It hadn’t been easy because they had to hide it. Behind closed doors and in secret hiding spots they were in love. Steve’s heart never stopped being Bucky’s. And Bucky was relearning that his was Steve’s.

He missed Bucky so much and now that Bucky had most of his memories back Steve wasn’t going to let him go again. Watching him die once was enough for ten lifetimes and he wasn’t doing it again, he refused. He felt it in his soul, if they got Bucky they’d have to take him too.

Steve Rogers was ready to give up fighting and being a hero to live somewhere off the grid with the love of his life. Didn’t matter where they went as long as they were together.

That’s all he wanted. And if Tony would sit down and talk to them for ten minutes he’d understand that, but the stupid son of a bitch wouldn’t even try and listen.

So they were fighting for the right to be together, and to move on with their fucked up lives.

The thought of being with Bucky and being free from all this fighting and war and hell gave Steve a second round of energy. He took one more breath and went off to look for his team.

He was looking for Bucky, always looking around and making sure he was okay.

Steve spotted him across the field and he started running towards him, had to go help him fight Tony and Rhodey and whoever else was with them it didn’t matter. They’d been at this for weeks. This was the final battle. Steve and his team had been together, planning and spending time together for weeks. Trying to come up with a way they could stop this.

Steve had spent every moment at Bucky’s side, helping him go through memories of what was real and what wasn’t.

When the subject of their relationship came up, Steve got real shy and quiet and couldn’t really bring himself to tell him. Because he didn’t want it to get weirder.

Bucky wasn’t having that and got it out of him, by slipping in to his lap and kissing him senseless, and then pulling back and smirking at him saying _So that’s what we are_.

After that they were closer than ever, and it gave the team a little boost of moral to see them a little happier by each other’s sides.

But that was weeks ago. And now they were fighting for their lives.

Focusing on Bucky, Steve made his way over to where they were fighting.

That’s when he heard the two gun shots and watched his best friend and love of his life drop to the ground.

Everything was quiet for what felt like an eternity.  He felt time slow down and he heard himself yell “No!” but it was too late. His breathing picked up and his heart dropped.

He watched Bucky fall forward and land on his stomach, face down, and then not move at all.

Steve’s shield fell to the ground.

He felt himself run faster to get to him, but didn’t really understand what was happening until he dropped to Bucky’s side and tore his helmet off so he could see him better.

“Bucky! Buck come on don’t…don’t do this to me.” He heard himself begging. Checking for a pulse and finding none he turned Bucky over. There was blood splattered across his abdomen and chest and everywhere else. He felt sick to his stomach, like he was going to throw up right then and there.

Steve couldn’t even find a place to start stopping the blood there were too many injuries. Bucky’s eyes were half closed and he wasn’t breathing.

“Bucky...”  Steve whispered his name, felt his lips start to tremble and did his best not to cry right then and there, but couldn’t stop it. His eyes filled with tears and before he could stop it he was sobbing.

He felt the ache in his chest come crashing back around him. The one that started when Bucky fell off the train and ended when he saw him again on that bridge. It was back and here to stay this time. The hopeless and helplessness that came with losing one’s soulmate.

“You can’t. I just got you back. Bucky I love you please don’t…don’t do this.”

His voice was weak and breathless and hopeless as he tried to pull Bucky’s uniform off him and get to where he could give him CPR.

He heard the others come up behind him and Natasha was the one who quietly broke the silence by saying

“I swear on everything you love Tony if you don’t give him a minute I will kill you here and now and not lose a night’s sleep over it.”

Steve couldn’t see through his tears well enough to do what he needed to and he started getting frustrated. He saw all the good memories and hopeful thoughts for the future slip through his grasp once again. The love he felt for the man lying on the ground in front of him was slowly being replaced with an agony and pain he never wanted to have to feel again.

There was no way he’d survive this again.

“No no no. Come on just…Someone help me! I have to save him. Have to. He’s my…mine. Bucky please…” He was crying again, frantically pulling at the straps on his shirt when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. Something that was meant to ground him he’s sure.

“He’s gone Steve. Come on we’ll…”

“No!” Steve shouted and shoved Sam’s hand away and kept doing what he was doing. When he couldn’t get through he broke down further, Bucky’s blood on his hands and uniform and he felt himself trembling.

It was like watching him fall off that train all over again.

He couldn’t even think. No way was he going to survive this one. Not again. He couldn’t do it again. The stress of having to fight against his friends. Fighting just so he didn’t have to watch Bucky be put back in a prison. The chaos he’s caused because of it. It all came crashing down on his mind and shoulders.

So he did the only thing he could think of.  The only thing he was ever any good at.

He fought back.

He jumped up and started punching Tony and Rhodey and Natasha and everyone else who was trying to take Bucky from him.

The people who _had_ taken Bucky from him.

And when someone punched him, and he stumbled back a little, and they told him to “Stand down Captain!”

“This is your fault! All your fault! He didn’t deserve this!” Steve yelled at them, punching Tony until he went flying back and then running after him to do it again. Everyone else trying to decide if they should get involved again.

“He fought in World War 2 to keep this stupid country free. Got captured was tortured. DIED, because I couldn’t save him. And was taken by Hydra and tortured again for 80 years.” Steve’s voice broke and he kept punching, kept fighting but he felt his attacks getting weaker because the reality that Bucky was dead was settling in again.

“Brainwashed and made to do things he never would have done otherwise! You killed him for something he never did! Killed an innocent man. You’ve sunk down to Hydra’s level! I couldn’t save him the first time and you’ve made it so I can’t save him this time either!” Steve shouts at him, lands one more weak punch and then feels his legs give out beneath him and he’s struggling not to start sobbing again.

“Finish the damn job!” Steve yells at Tony, looking up at him with all the hate in the world from his knees.

“You already killed me when he went down so finish the fucking job! I am not living in this world with people like you who would kill an innocent man. A man I love…loved.” Steve’s voice cracks and he looks down at the ground, lips trembling as the world around him goes quiet once more.

“Please just…finish it.” He ends in a quiet voice, the raw pain and anger and hurt in his eyes very visible for everyone to see.

Everyone was silent. Tony wasn’t even fighting back. Wasn’t even moving. None of them were.

Steve brought his hands up to his face and sunk lower to the ground. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t do this again. The desperate need to not be in his head space anymore was consuming him whole. He didn’t want to live with this much pain and regret and suffer more than he already had.

He’d fought so hard for so long and he was done.

So he looked down at the gun he kept in his holster always, but hadn’t used once in this battle, and he knew what he was going to do.

“Fine.” He said, no resentment in his voice, and slowly pulled the gun out so he could look at it for a moment.

“I’ll do it myself. Don’t want you to get more blood on your hands.” Steve continued quietly, sadly, brokenly, and with trembling hands cocked the gun.

Someone was faster than him and knocked him over the head with something, hard, before he could do it and he felt himself hit the ground and wished more than anything they’d just shot him instead. 

* * *

 

Tony watched Steve’s chest rise and fall as he slept in the recovery room. So many drugs pumping into his system to keep him out he might never wake up. They turned it down a little while ago, because they didn’t actually know how much it’d take to keep him asleep and this was an experiment of sorts.

Tony felt sick as he remembered the events from two days again where Steve had told him to kill him. Told him to finish the job.

Almost killed himself.

That was his fault. He should have just listened to them. They should have been able to talk it out and come to a compromise.

Natasha was behind him when he turned slightly and he jumped

“The hell widow? What do you want?” he tried to glare at her but she was better at it than him so he gave up and went back to looking tired and done.

“He wants to talk to you.”  Was her only response before she turned and walked away again.

She wasn’t talking to him much these days.

Tony took a deep breath, looked back to Steve and watched his chest rise and fall again before he turned to walk down the hall and into a different recovery room.

There in the bed was a dark haired man. He wasn’t quite sure who it was. If it was the good person he’d heard so much about, or if it was the machine trained to do horrible and unspeakable things.

Depending on who it was he’d make his final decision.

Tony didn’t say anything. Just watched him until the man asked.

“How is he?”

It took a minute for Tony to make himself respond.

“Still asleep.”

The man nodded and finally looked up at him.

“I should be in there when he wakes up.”

Tony snorted out a laugh and bitterly replied

“I don’t owe you any favors.”

The man tilted his head and looked Tony up and down as if looking for places and ways to rip him apart.

“No. But you owe Steve. And after what you just put him through…we can both agree he deserves a little bit of a break don’t you think?”

Tony can’t make himself look at him for very long but when he does look back up the man is looking straight at him with…something in his eyes.

Some emotion Tony knows for a fact he can’t fake. Love and worry and pain all combined in such a genuine way on his face he doesn’t know how he’d say no to his request.

He looks pitiful.

“Why?” Tony finally asked after what felt like a year of waiting and silence.

The man looked confused

“Why what?”

“Why do you care if you’re there when he wakes up? Or if he gets a break? Or if he kills himself?”

The man flinched ever so slightly, and if Tony hadn’t been looking for it he would have missed it.

“Because I…I think I…no I know I love him.” The man…no not the man. Bucky. Bucky Barnes. The good man Steve was always bragging about. The person who deserved more than to be turned into a human weapon.

Bucky responded quietly, eyebrows furrowed and when his eyes moved back up to look into Tony’s, Tony knew what he’s going to do.

He knows he can’t forgive now and maybe not ever. But after what just happened he has to give it a shot. Because watching one of his friends—yeah one of his friends—that upset over something he did made him re-evaluate his whole plan.

He knew Steve wouldn’t let Bucky out of his sight when he found out that he was alive, so he phrased his next sentence carefully.

“Yeah. When he wakes up we’ll see.”

Bucky’s whole body switched from sad and hurting to poised and graceful and almost ready to pounce.

“Let me tell you something Stark.” He muttered softly and then glared at him just slightly.

“The only thing more dangerous than Steve Rogers with something to lose…is Steve Rogers with _nothing_ to lose. So if I’m not in there when he wakes up and you are? He may just do something neither of you want. So keep that in mind while you’re making your decision.”  And then he went back to looking out the window and Tony knew he was done speaking.

Tony turned and walked out of the room and repressed the shiver that was threating to go down his spine.

“So how’d it go?” Rhodey asked as he came up next to him to walk with him.

“Apparently when you make his boyfriend upset he isn’t very happy with you. Also when you shoot him a few times he gets pretty mad about that, too.” Tony responded and shruged a little and then winced when it moved his broken arm.

“Yeah thought as much. Just let him be in there when Steve wakes up. Stop being stubborn and let them have this one. We’re done fighting remember?”

Tony just nodded a little and walked back to the window to watch Steve again. He didn’t want to admit he was wrong, but he thought maybe he wouldn’t have to if he let Barnes be in there when Steve woke up.

Or maybe he wouldn’t considering the blond was opening his eyes.

“Shit. Fuck. Damn. Uh how do I. Fuck.” Tony rambled and watched as Steve woke up far more quickly than he should have with that many drugs being pumped into him.

He panicked just slightly, waved his one unbroken arm around for a second and did the only thing he could think of.

He ran down the hall to get Rhodey and Natasha and Sam to deal with it.

* * *

 

Steve opened his eyes, feeling groggy and light headed in all the wrong ways. His eyes were heavy and he was so close to just shutting them again and going back to sleep.

Then the events from before he got knocked out came crashing down and he was gasping and opening his eyes, looking around for someone to tell him that it’d all been a dream and that Bucky was fine. No one was with him.

He recognized the room as a recovery room in Stark’s tower. Stark. He felt anger surge through him at the name and then he remembered Bucky…and everything in him was hurting again.

He felt the pain from before make him physically weaker. He looked down to his arm where an IV was pumping more drugs into him and he reached over and took it out.

The instant he did his head started to clear a little more and he knew he only had a few minutes before someone came in and tried to drug him up again.

Slowly, he took a minute to wake up more and then he tried to move and huffed out a breath of pain.

His whole body hurt. His head and heart most of all.

After sitting up all the way, and swinging his legs over the side of the bed he stared at the floor.

They lost.

Steve lost.

He was probably going to be a prisoner, or forced to do missions. Either way he wasn’t planning on letting them do it. His head was spinning.

Bucky was gone. The thought made his chest clench in pain and tears spring to his eyes.

Steve didn’t want to live another minute in this stupid world where Bucky wasn’t a part of it. Where they would kill an innocent man and not even give him a chance to tell his side of the story. Where they wanted to take freedom from the person who needed it the most.

Steve Rogers was done with all of them.

So he slowly got up and steadied himself on the wall, moving to the door so he could lock it from the inside.

He leaned against the door for a minute to right himself again. Taking slow deep breaths to try and clear his head enough that he could form a real plan.

As he made his way back across the room he heard someone knocking on the door, a few curses and Natasha appeared in the window.

“Let us in Steve!” She called just loud enough for him to hear.

He didn’t acknowledge her. He kept moving to where he knew there would be some needles. If he could just get enough pain meds…

“Steve! C’mon man let us in please! We need to talk!” Sam called next and this one made him stop. Sam was his closest friend besides Bucky.  

“I’m sorry Sam.” Steve said softly and continued what he was doing.

“Get this fucking door open!”

He heard Sam yell at someone. He’d finally made Sam “too calm to be real” Wilson lose his cool.

Well that was one win before he was gone.

Steve was so close to his goal, but his hands were still shaking and he couldn’t quite get the drawer open.

“Security override, Tony Stark, Open medical bay door 50!”

He heard them just barely, and then he finally got the drawer open.

Before he knew it the door was flying open and Natasha and Sam were wrestling him back onto the bed while Tony grabbed the syringe from his hands.

Steve didn’t have it in him to struggle very much, so he just pushed against their arms for a second before giving in and letting them hold him down.

He didn’t look at them though. Wasn’t proud of what he was trying to do. Didn’t have the strength to care.

“Let me go. I’m not doin this with you guys. Why the hell are you trying to stop me?” He argued weakly, feeling desperate and alone and all his anger just turns into pain so he doesn’t even have it in him to go out for revenge.

“Steve please…We just need to talk. You’re gunna want to be alive when you find out…” Sam started but then stopped when Tony elbowed him.

“My news, I get to tell him. I need it as my apology.” Tony said nonchalantly and then walked towards the door.

“I’m not going to let you kill yourself Cap. We’re friends. No one got really hurt so…”

“Excuse me?” Steve interrupted him, anger blazing in his eyes at his words and he gets some of his strength back in his bones at the same time.

He shoves Natasha and Sam off him so he can jump up and grab Tony by the throat to push him up against the wall.

“Bucky got hurt.” He hissed at him and Tony’s eyes widen.

This was it.

 He was dead and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Steve glared at him, the hand on his throat just tight enough to keep him there, but not tight enough to do a lot of damage.

“Stevie…” A quiet but firm voice had Steve spinning around, eyes wide.

Unceremoniously, he dropped Tony to the ground and took one step forward, before taking three back.

Tony gasped in relief and quickly moved so he was out of the way. Steve was staring at the man in the doorway. The one who had his hands out like an invitation. The one who looked a lot like…

“No…No you died! I saw it. You were….Bucky was…” Steve closed his eyes shut tight and his hands flew up to his head, pressing on his temples like this was some headache and maybe if it went away he could see things as they really were again.

“This is a trick. I saw you! No heartbeat! Weren’t breathing! Stark haven’t I been through enough…”

Steve stopped when two hands, one metal, covered his own. His eyes opened at the contact and he was looking down, at his feet, eyes slowly coming up to look at his face. Tears came swirling to his eyes and his voice sounded pained and broken when he asked

“…Bucky?”

Bucky’s expression and touch were gentle, but there was a bit of anger in his face too. Steve knew what that was about.

“Yeah Stevie. I’m here. I’m okay.” He said and reached up to cup Steve’s face with his real hand and gently run his fingers over his cheek bone.

Steve’s eyes still had tears in them and he couldn’t help it as his eyes squeezed shut and he fell forward right into Bucky’s embrace.

He was trembling, and crying silently. Only his sharp intakes of breath every few seconds to be heard.

Bucky was slowly rubbing his back with one hand and holding him tightly with the other arm.

“I’ve got you…” He kept repeating and pressing small kisses to the side of Steve’s head “I’ve got you.” He breathed out a sigh of relief and looked over his shoulder at Sam and Natasha who were slowly backing out of the room with Tony.

Tony watched for a moment longer and when his eyes met Bucky’s he just nodded at him before leaving the room.

Bucky held Steve for what felt like forever, until Steve’s legs started trembling with the rest of him and Bucky had to steer him over to the bed and make him sit him down.

The second Bucky let go of him to help him sit down Steve made the saddest, smallest, most broken and desperate sound.

Bucky couldn’t help it, he had to lean in and kiss him. He held him so close and so tight Steve couldn’t breathe.

But he didn’t have to because Bucky was there and with him and he was kissing him and that’s all he needed.

It’s all he had ever needed.

Steve pulled away from the kiss, gripped Bucky’s shirt so he didn’t go far, eyes closed and breathing hard, and after moving so he was on his knees he yanked him in for another hard and passionate kiss.

His free hand made it to Bucky’s hair, he tugged him impossibly closer and Bucky did his best to keep up.

Steve kept going, tugging him with him so they were both laying in the bed, Bucky on top of him.

Bucky had to break the kiss again, as they both needed to breathe and he started talking, making sure to keep his chest pressed to Steve’s and his hands on him somewhere. One on his cheek and the metal one holding him up a little so he could look down at him with no trouble.

“Slow down, doll. I’m not going anywhere...”

Steve is quiet for a minute, letting himself feel Bucky’s warmth and remind himself that this wasn’t a dream. He was real and with him.

“You were dead.” Steve managed to say, voice raspy and rough from crying

“You were dead again, and it was my fault. I promised when you came back I’d protect you. That no one would get you. And they did. I’m so…”

Steve couldn’t continue because Bucky was kissing him again, softly and sweetly and just what Steve needed.

“Shut it, punk. You did everything just right. They didn’t kill me. I’m alive. It was just some drug to make it look like I was dead. Fury’s idea. Knew if they saw what it’d do to you to have me gone they’d think twice about actually killing me. Clint knew too. He’s the one who shot me.”

Steve lets that all sink in and he lifts a trembling hand to run through Bucky’s hair again. His eyes go slightly wide with concern as he continued to speak.

“I almost…When I saw you were gone I…”

The anger from before was back in Bucky’s eyes and he leaned in and bit Steve’s lip so hard he drew blood and the blond gasped and jumped—as much as he could with Bucky on top of him that is.

“You almost killed yourself because you’re an idiot. You never get to do that again you understand me? Even if they do get to me and I end up dying you keep livin. You have good friends. Family more like. And they need you. You got so much good you still have to do. So don’t you dare ever go doin something stupid like that again.”

Steve swallowed hard and nodded slightly.

“I..I’m sorry.” He muttered quietly.

“Yeah you’d better be. I am never going to stop reminding you about it and how stupid you were because you don’t ever get to do it again. Now stop cryin and apologizin and kiss me again.” Bucky muttered, too happy to be back in the same space as Steve to be really mad at him right now.

Steve didn’t need to be told twice.

They kept kissing and touching and reveling in the fact that they were together and no one was going to take that away now. Steve kept Bucky as close as he possibly could and if he cried a little more Bucky wasn’t going to tell anyone.

They still had a long way to go. People to talk to and therapy to attend. But they were going to make it just like they always did.

And they would make it together.


End file.
